Today is St. Patrick's Day and the girls just made cupcakes for our tea party with friends. Mike has been off of work for the last three weeks working on our house remodel. The roof is almost complete, and I couldn't be more proud and grateful of his work and for the help of so many dear friends. These years are so special and sweet, and also entirely frustrating! But I want to focus on the positives. I want to model for my family the love I have for Christ because of His great love for us. Anyway, here's the post from last year!
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I’m coming to the realization of the ups and downs of the human life—our limitations, our need as created beings. I feel like I’m on this constant roller coaster of feeling and emotion, of learning, of physical health. That’s what life was intended to be for us—a constant realization of what we don’t possess in and through ourselves.
I’m slowly getting it. Christ came to fulfill our greatest
need—restoration with our Heavenly Father. Without him, we can’t have a right
relationship with our Creator or share in the inheritance he’s planned. It’s
amazing to me though, how much he does allow us to experience through our
limited understanding and finite existence.
Some days I feel euphoric—taking in the beauty of the
created earth. Gratefully and humbling accepting my lot as wife and mother.
Other days, I wonder why I’m here. I wonder why I’m not motivated to do
something remarkable or substantial, or why I don’t seem to have the time to
myself to have a rational thought. To be quite honest, I haven’t had the desire
to write lately because it has seemed like such a chore. It’s been about 5
years since I’ve found it enjoyable.
The point of this entry is to remind myself of the gospel.
The point is that my emotions will feel different at different points in
motherhood. My thoughts toward and about God may change with my circumstances.
My attitude to serve and love will be dependent on how I feel physically
sometimes. But that’s the beauty of the gospel, isn’t it?
God’s word is true regardless of how affectionate I feel
toward it. He is enthroned on high whether or not I’m dying of a brain tumor.
His plan for his people is in motion even if everything seems to go wrong in
their lives. And likewise, he is good to allow us the opportunity to feel this
range of human emotion. How will we celebrate the mountain tops if we don’t
walk through the valleys or trudge through desert wastelands? How will we enjoy
smooth sailing if we don’t experience hiccups every now and then? Our perfect
life isn’t promise here on earth. Our true rest is coming! Yet it’s amazing to me that life (for the
most part) is wonderful. I do enjoy the gifts he’s given. I trust his plan for
eternity.
Motherhood has taught me so much about myself already. The
most evident is my selfish and self-seeking heart. Yes, it’s easy to care for
an infant or toddler who needs you for sustenance. My struggle has been as the
girls have gotten a little older (still they’re little—3, 5 & 6). I’m
realizing that I’m not the only one with ideas and desires. I’m raising little
humans who also have sinful hearts. The struggle for power and voice and
influence has already begun.
Motherhood is sanctifying work. I’m constantly scheming how
I can get time alone—to think, to plan, to rest—then I feel guilty for making
myself scarce. There’s a constant internal battle going on saying it’s ok to
detach. Put those earbuds in, pass those tablets out, turn that show on, have
friends over to distract them. But sometimes the real issue is my heart. I want
Me time, and instead of turning to God for strength, I seek rejuvenation in
other things. Instead of humbly washing feet (and clothes and hair and
bottoms), I grumble and complain because I’m being inconvenienced. Lord,
forgive my selfish heart.
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