When You Aren't Enough

I've been on this journey of feeling steadily unwell for a little over two years now. Whether physical pains in my body (muscles, joints, etc.), repeat sicknesses that I can't seem to shake, or mental dips because of my lack of physical stamina---I have a conscience choice to make each day.  Do I let my physical health and how I "feel" dictate my mood and overall attitude toward others, or do I make the decision to have a grateful heart in the midst of hardship? 

It's not an easy decision. Every part of my flesh wants to complain and ask why I can't get well and why I don't feel like I used to. The fleshly side of me wants to search for answers that the medical field has to offer. I'm trying to take better care of what I put into my body, get enough sleep, decrease my stress, etc. But ultimately, my hope does not lie in feeling better. And that's a hard pill to swallow. I'm not owed a body that feels good--though I've been blessed to have that most of my life. God, who is rich in mercy, has according to his good purposes, allowed this testing and hardship. And it might just be for the rest of my days on this earth. But I don't think so. He has already made me very aware of days that I'm feeling better versus days I don't feel well. And when I feel good I rejoice, not knowing how long the gift will last.

I want to shine his light in this dark world. I have no greater mission in this life than to teach my girls about my Father who is compassionate, loving, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I want to show them that no matter what our circumstances, we can give thanks to Him for all of our blessings in Christ Jesus. 

Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of adoption. I experienced it by my father here on this earth, so I think it helps me understand the concept a little better in the spiritual sense. Thank you for clothing me with your very name and the spiritual blessings you provide for all of your children. Thank you for making me co-heirs with Christ. I can't help but be reminded of Romans 8--a great passage to end on and be encouraged by.

Heirs with Christ

"12 So then, brothers,[e] we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons[f] of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Future Glory

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[g] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[h] for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."

The Kindness of a Mirror

Have you ever glanced at a mirror after a long day and been shocked by what you saw looking back at you? A couple of weeks ago, we went to McDonalds with some close family friends after an afternoon at the beach. My friend came back from the bathroom shocked that I didn't tell her about the sand that lined her entire neck. I laughed because it really was a lot once she pointed it out, but to be honest, I didn't even see or notice it.  Then when I came back from the bathroom, I asked her how she let me leave the beach with such crazy hair.  I'm talking Medusa level crazy--saltwater, windblown, static electricity all combined.  

Sometimes even the best of friends fail to notice our shortcomings. We may see something in someone else that seems a little off, but oftentimes we're so self-focused that we can't pinpoint what it is.  Usually though, good friends will let us know when they see something seriously wrong.  Maybe not sand or hair issues, but real heart issues--depression, struggle, isolation, distance, judgement or gossipy tendencies.  Proverbs 27:17 says "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Let's be those friends who tell one another when they need to look in the mirror. Let's BE those friends who point one another back to the Gospel that we so often forget or neglect. And let's NOT BE those friends who get defensive when someone does point us to the mirror! Let us welcome the truth that is spoken in love. We humans are flawed, and we'll never quite get it right on this side of heaven, but it's a good reminder to keep your eyes open for ways to encourage and sharpen those around you. Speak the truth in love.

I hope I never forget that it's the kindness of the Lord that leads me to repentance. God's kindness has lead me to the understanding of the grossness of my sin and my need for repentance, but ultimately my need for a Savior.  Though it doesn't always seem kind, it truly is the kindness of God that tells me to look in the mirror. To see my sin and turn from it.  

"Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?" Romans 2:4

Sitting in Silence

I recently read a blog about how serving our children, is like serving God himself.  

Matthew 25:40 says, “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

Many days I need reminding that I'm right where I need to be.  Bringing Glory to our Savior through things that may seem trivial.  But if my heart is in tune to God's praise, nothing is off limits.

The cooking
the cleaning
the shopping
the play time
the messy feedings
the diaper changes
Yes, even the meltdowns

I'm doing it all for God's glory.  I find great joy in knowing that.  

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  
1 Corinthians 10:31

As Christians, everything we set out to do can be done for God's glory.  As I sit here in silence this Wednesday morning, I pray that I will be reminded of that throughout the day.  That my actions, words and attitude will point to Christ.

Another Beautiful Day

A snapshot I want to always remember.

God is so good.  Too many times I don't believe that statement.  HE IS GOOD.  I base his goodness on how I'm feeling or the circumstances in my life.  I turn myself into the judge of God's love for his people.  Who am I to do such a thing?

So yes, God is good, but not because I had a good week.  Not because everything worked out for me.  Not because my life is easy or because I really enjoy my family and don't have to work.  God is good because that is truth.  A truth I'll be lucky to remember if I ever stumble off this mountain top.

Yesterday, I shared a devotional with the middle school Sunday school class.  It happened to be all boys that day... six of them.  And I realized that I'm not even practicing what I preach.  We talked about what it means to have a relationship with God.  What is a relationship anyway?  What does that look like?  Time, communication, care, love, physical touch, etc.  These were some of the answers they came up with.  It seems logical, right?  Sure, easy even.  So why is it such a struggle to give God what he deserves?  Why can't I give God my time?  Why is it so hard to focus on him?  What am I missing?  Does it all boil down to spiritual discipline?  I'll let you know when I figure that one out.

Until that day, I just have to rest in the fact that HE IS GOOD.  His will is perfect, and he allows me to stray... but he always brings me back.  For that, I am thankful.

God, keep me close to you.  I pray that with each step I take, I'd lean more on you and less on myself.  I'm praying Proverbs 3:5-6.  Help me to trust in you with all of my heart (not just part of it).  I don't want to lean on my own understanding (because I don't truly understand anything).  Help me to acknowledge you in all my ways (even when I don't think it matters to you).  Please direct my path.  Today, tomorrow, and everyday.

Free to Struggle

Hallelujah! We are free to struggle. We're not struggling to be free...

As I've watched my daughter learn to walk these past couple of weeks, I have been inspired by her progress.  We don't learn to walk in one fell swoop.  It's a process.  It's a struggle.  First, she stood with support, and then she started standing without support.  Next, she'd try a step, fall down and revert to crawling... then she'd try again.  She still falls often, but now she's taking multiple steps on her own.  She's learning to master art of walking, by taking baby steps (literally).

Watching her got me thinking about my spiritual walk.  Oftentimes, I revert back to crawling in the sense that I feel comfortable with it.  I don't want to struggle, so I do what I know.  I keep to myself, don't offer a helping hand, don't mention my faith in Christ to others, and don't acknowledge his presence in my life.  I do what's easy--crawling.  Now, I know that's not what saves me.  Obviously, Christ did that work.  Today, Good Friday, is the day we recognize that very fact.  But I feel like he desires more from us if we're able to give it.  Why crawl, when you're capable of walking?    

These lyrics from the band, Tenth Avenue North, encouraged me this morning. The beauty of trying is that we're not struggling for our freedom, but we're taking steps of faith because that's what God has called us to do.  We may fall.  We may trip.  We may even struggle in this life.  But thank the Lord we're not struggling to earn our salvation--God already covered that.  

You are free to struggle as you walk out your faith!  Take risks.  Step outside your comfort zone every now and then.  Share someone else's burden.  Just remember that you're free to struggle, you're just not struggling to be free.

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."  -Luke 12:28

Happy Easter.  He has risen!

Say what?!

Blog, with a nine month old... you must be crazy!  Seriously, we've had so many adventures as a family lately, but I don't have the motivation to capture and publish them.  

Do you ever feel like you don’t have time to think, when the truth is there are a million things you’re thinking about all the time?  My mind never really stops thinking, but it’s usually about trivial things like… What am I making for dinner?  What ingredients do I need for that?  I need to go to the store.  Why are you crying at my feet?  When was your last nap?  When did you eat last?  How long do I have before she wakes up?  Ohhhhhhh, she’s awake!  I should clean the car.  I should go for a jog.  Maybe I’ll unload the dishwasher or throw in a load of laundry.  No, my feet hurt.  I’ll sit and fold laundry.  Lily, don’t cry at my feet please.  Crap, the living room is a mess.  Why are there crumbs everywhere?  Lily, please don’t cry at my feet!  What was I making for dinner again?    

This is my train of thought.  It’s a crazy train, but the Wolfepack is all aboard!  I’m sure there are many moms out there who can or could at some point relate; however, I’m beginning to realize that there are many types of kids and many types of moms.  I’m a part of a huge community of awesome moms, yet somehow I feel like I’m different.   It’s all I can do to focus on Lily sometimes, and it wears me out.  I don’t feel like typing, or blogging or focusing on anything.  I need motivation.  I look at moms who work, and wonder how they do it.  I know staying at home is an important job, but all too often thoughts of guilt and inadequacy creep in to bring me down.  I love what I do, but sometimes it seems like I’m not doing enough.  Again, I compare myself to others I see around me and wonder why I can’t keep up.  I only have one kid, geez.  Morning devotions, a rigid schedule, exercise and a healthy diet?!  They crazy.  Aint nobody got time for that!  Then I feel like something must be wrong with me if I can’t juggle it all. 

Nothing is wrong with me!  The truth is, some days I do feel like super woman… like I can take on the world!  Other days, when I hear her scream from her crib I just want to climb back under the covers and cry myself back to sleep.  And that’s OK.  We have good days and we have not so good days!  The bad days make me thankful for the good ones. 

The awesome thing is that I know I’m not in this alone.  So many parents out there can relate with me.  The other wonderful fact is that no matter how short I fall, I am saved by God’s grace through faith-everyday.  It’s a gift of God, not by my works, so that I can’t boast, brag or blog about it.  So even if I did do everything right and had perfect days everyday, it still wouldn’t be enough.  Praise Jesus!  I don’t want to boast in my sin, but it does abound.  Thank you Lord that you forgive our sins and draw us to yourself.  

Help me to see you in all of life’s circumstances.  Help me turn to you in the good times and the bad—the days I’m ready to take on the world and the days I want to hide under the covers and cry.  Thank you for being my rock; my calm in the storm; my refuge; my perfection.

Detrimental Comparisons

Why is it that in order to feel good about myself, I must compare my life with the lives of others.  I tend to make things all about me.  Sometimes, I can't even seem to rejoice with others in their victories because I'm so hung up on my failures.  When I feel like I'm not measuring up, it's usually because: my house isn't as tidy as_______, my motivation or energy level is less than _______, my prayer life is not a strong as _______, my eating habits are _______, my life isn't as exciting as _______, I wish I had a career like _______.  Of course, this list could go on.  We've all been there.  Many of us have those people in our lives that seem to have it all together.  In the Facebook era, we all subconsciously (some of us consciously) try to make our lives look more awesome than they truly are.  When I see someone doing well, oftentimes my first thought is jealousy rather than joy; envy as opposed to delight.  When someone is going through a rough patch, I'm usually just "glad it's not me."  It always comes back to me comparing my life to theirs.  Herein lies the problem--my heart.

This might not be something everyone struggles with, but this is what I struggle with.  It's so easy to compare your life and the way you do things to those around you.  Satan likes to sow seeds of inadequacy into my life in this very way.  Through my recent (yet short) journey in the land of parenthood, I have come to realize that the game of comparison doesn't stop with ME.  It's beginning again with my daughter.  There are endless things to compare.  Sleeping through the night. Breastfeeding. Bottle feeding. Working outside the home.  Working inside the home.  Reasons for crying.  Colic.  Cloth diapers.  Disposable diapers.  Natural remedies.  Pregnancy weight gain.  Postpartum weight loss.  Vaccinations.  Pacifiers.  Swimming.  Diet.  Toys. TV.  Discipline.  Organic food.  Friends, etc.  Each of these things has the potential to be a source of contention.  Everyone has their own take on each subject, and if you don't care... well, it seems you're judged for that as well.  

I love my daughter very very much!  But I can honestly say that it was hard to love her in the beginning.  I feel like a bad parent even admitting that.  Having a child that cries more than "normal" was a hard pill to swallow for both my husband and I.  She's four months old now and much much better, but she's still fussier than most babies.  I was envious of all my friends that had mellow babies.  What frustrated me the most in those first few months were the comments and stares that I got from friends and random strangers.  And so the cycle of comparison had begun again with my daughter.

And here's where I need reminding of God's promises and acceptance regardless of how disheveled my life seems at time.  Even though I may feel more accomplished and put together, he doesn't look at me any differently if my house is tidy, if I read my Bible, write in my prayer journal, lose ten pounds, give up chocolate, or have a baby that is pleasant to be around.  God loves me, and continually beckons me to sit at his feet in worship and reverence.  I pray that I can answer his call more than I have been lately.  That I would see the beauty in others and the unique gifts God gave to them.  That I would enjoy the company of others without comparing my life to theirs or feeling judged by them.  

Romans 12: 

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 

15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[c] Do not be conceited.

 In this Christian life, we know we live by grace.  That's the only thing that gets us through. We "know" in our minds that we're not good enough to please God, but we try oh so hard to be worthy enough to earn his approval.  Are you using your God given gifts and blooming where you're planted, or are you trying to be transplanted to some else's garden, hoping you'll blossom better there?

I couldn't resist adding a pictures of my munchkin!  So happy these days :)

Monday Morning Prayer

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you--even Jesus.  He must remain in heaven until the time comes for God to restore everything, as he promised long ago through this holy prophets."  Acts 3:19-21

On this 6th day of Lent, I am reading in Acts about what happened after the death and resurrection of Jesus.  These verses are a good reminder that God does bring times of refreshing, and that he WILL restore everything in his own timing.

Praise God that my acceptance is not merit-based, nor is it measured on good behavior.  I have failed (and continue to fail everyday), yet I am still accepted.  How humbling.

As I ponder parenthood and think of all the things that will come in the next few months, I can't help but desire a deeper relationship with Christ.  Knowing that my relationship with Jesus will be a model for my daughter to follow only humbles me further.  I don't simply want to go through the motions of Christianity and teach her to be a good person.  Rather, I desire to lean on Christ daily.  I pray that he will open her eyes in his perfect timing, and that her heart will be responsive to his call.

Thankful Thursday

I thought I'd start something new.  I'm going to attempt to update my blog each Thursday giving thanks to God for the blessings he provides.  Sometimes the blessings are disguised as "refining" moments where he molds and shapes us more and more into his image.  These can be painful experiences and pleasant ones.  I hope to record both, and give thanks in all things like the apostle Paul encourages us to do in his letter to the Thessalonians.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."      -1 Thessalonians 5:17

I'm thankful for:

• the GOD who loves in spite of our failures and shortcomings
• the HOPE of eternity through Jesus Christ 
• a wonderful HUSBAND who supports me in all aspects of life
• our FAMILIES in Florida and Indiana for raising us and teaching us what's important
• a CHURCH dedicated to preaching and living out the gospel
• the opportunity to buy a HOUSE in Hawaii
• KIM and JORDAN for letting us stay with them while we work on ours
• FRIENDS who are so willing to help us out each step of the way
• JOBS that support us financially
• SISTERS in Christ that live both near and far whom I can confide in and rely on 

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I've been thinking a lot about craftsmanship in this whole house process.  Over the past few months I have become more skilled in using power tools.  Mike is very proud of that fact, and I am too.  Yesterday, I started making a bench for my classroom.  I want to set up a reading station or "nook" for the kids to have alternative places to sit during S.U.R.F. time [Silent Uninterrupted Reading Fun].

As I began to craft this bench, I wanted to make the cuts perfect.  Of course I needed a measuring tape, a chop saw, a steady hand, and a vision.  I needed to know what I wanted this bench to look like, and the purpose that it will serve.  There are several analogies in the Bible that display God as being the creator, master craftsman, and potter.  I was reading in Ephesians this morning about how we are created for his purposes.

"We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."    -Ephesians 2:10

Just as I desire my bench to serve the purpose of providing seating for my students, God had a plan and purpose in creating each of us.  He rescued us (like distressed wood... which is the craze these days) and crafted each one of us for different purposes.  It wasn't because we already looked good on our own; we CANNOT boast in that.  He saved us from the landfill.  He took something seemingly dead and useless, and made us worthy vessels.  He created us for good works, so let's walk in them!!  (Eph. 2:8-10)

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On a different note, I had a little fun busting up some tile yesterday while Mike was asleep.  He's been working nights these past few weeks and sleeping during the day.  I thought I'd share a few pictures.  Enjoy!  The tile is almost gone.  We took three loads to the dump... which is what got me thinking about landfills and craftsmanship in the first place.

Just call me "tile buster"

Bruised and battered knees... even with knee pads!

Got a little carried away... busting tile with a sledge hammer is rather therapeutic :)

Battle wound, but SOOOOOOO worth it!!