When You Aren't Enough

I've been on this journey of feeling steadily unwell for a little over two years now. Whether physical pains in my body (muscles, joints, etc.), repeat sicknesses that I can't seem to shake, or mental dips because of my lack of physical stamina---I have a conscience choice to make each day.  Do I let my physical health and how I "feel" dictate my mood and overall attitude toward others, or do I make the decision to have a grateful heart in the midst of hardship? 

It's not an easy decision. Every part of my flesh wants to complain and ask why I can't get well and why I don't feel like I used to. The fleshly side of me wants to search for answers that the medical field has to offer. I'm trying to take better care of what I put into my body, get enough sleep, decrease my stress, etc. But ultimately, my hope does not lie in feeling better. And that's a hard pill to swallow. I'm not owed a body that feels good--though I've been blessed to have that most of my life. God, who is rich in mercy, has according to his good purposes, allowed this testing and hardship. And it might just be for the rest of my days on this earth. But I don't think so. He has already made me very aware of days that I'm feeling better versus days I don't feel well. And when I feel good I rejoice, not knowing how long the gift will last.

I want to shine his light in this dark world. I have no greater mission in this life than to teach my girls about my Father who is compassionate, loving, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. I want to show them that no matter what our circumstances, we can give thanks to Him for all of our blessings in Christ Jesus. 

Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift of adoption. I experienced it by my father here on this earth, so I think it helps me understand the concept a little better in the spiritual sense. Thank you for clothing me with your very name and the spiritual blessings you provide for all of your children. Thank you for making me co-heirs with Christ. I can't help but be reminded of Romans 8--a great passage to end on and be encouraged by.

Heirs with Christ

"12 So then, brothers,[e] we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons[f] of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

Future Glory

18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because[g] the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[h] for those who are called according to his purpose. 29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30 And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."

Top Reads of 2024

    2024 was a great year of reading, both for me and the girls.  I think I probably read at least double what's on this list, but not everything I read was worthy of my time, nor would I recommend it to you. Some were interesting memoirs that just got a little too graphic, or books that stretched out a bit too long for my taste. Some were even considered praise-worthy, yet I just couldn't get into them! It's always hard to narrow down books that you'd actually recommend to people. All that to say, here are our top picks for the year with reviews of our very favorites!

April's Picks:

1. Living with Hope by Michael Panther.

    This book tells the incredible story of Michael Panther, from South Sudan. He was a young boy who got sick in his remote village, and was miraculously cared for by visiting mission doctors. It tells the story of God's faithfulness in his life and his journey to mobility. I just couldn't put it down! A friend of mine gave me the book because her parents played a role in his journey to the United States and now share in the work and ministry the Lord has given him through his disability. It's just incredible! Here's the link to his website and a Youtube video in which he shares his testimony of God's mercy and redemption. It impacted me greatly. It starts with Michael's journey of intense suffering, and ends with the joy of knowing Jesus and sharing his love and HOPE with so many. Best read of the year!

2. Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss.

    Stepping Heavenward is a fiction book written in the year 1869. It chronicles the life of a young girl through journal-style entries, starting at the age of 16 and continuing up through her life as a mother. The main theme woven throughout is God's faithfulness to care for his children and worshiping through suffering. Also, surrendering your life to him no matter your circumstances.

    I was gifted this book for Christmas the year my youngest daughter was born. She's now 7. It sat on my bookshelf for years and I had no interest (or time) to pick it up. It wasn't until I had surgery to have half of my thyroid removed in March of 2024 that I remembered it and had the time (and desire) to read it. And what a gift from God this book was to me during a trying season. I honestly don't think it would have meant as much to me if I'd read it as a young mom with little to no suffering under my belt. For the last two years or so I've been dealing with some chronic health-issues that are still unresolved. And in the last 5 years, I've lost 4 close family members. This book was the picture I needed to point me to Christ and his tender mercies to his children. Instead of viewing my suffering as something I had to endure, I was challenged to view it as an opportunity to grow and be made more like my Savior. 

    While it was a fiction book technically, the author--Elizabeth Prentiss--experienced many of the situations depicted in the novel. I was deeply moved by her life and her suffering. It was amazing to me how much of what she talked about resonated with me over a century and a half later. What a gift this book was during this season of my life. I am grateful to have read it!

3. My Friend, Anne Frank by Hannah Pick-Goslar with Dina Kraft.

    Wow. This book was so well done. I enjoyed this true account of one of Anne Franks childhood friends as she retells what it was like during the Holocaust. Hannah's family fled Nazi Germany to live in Amsterdam in 1933, and she recounts her childhood memories of friends in the neighborhood, school days and birthday parties as well as the progressive changes that happened along the way--ending with families (like the Franks) suddenly disappearing in 1942 as Germany continued to occupy Amsterdam. Though a heavy and dark period of history, it was retold with exquisite detail and care from someone who lived it and survived. What a testimony of strength and dignity. I was greatly impacted by the way in which this incredibly hard, yet very important story was presented.

4. Susie: The Life and Legacy of Susannah Spurgeon by Ray Rhodes.

    This biography of Susanna Spurgeon was yet another glimpse of a woman who dedicated her life to God despite her physical ailments. This spoke to me in the midst of suffering as well. My friend (and pastor's wife) brought it over along with some homemade soup the day after my surgery. The book ministered to me by means of encouragement and conviction. It's so tempting to feel sorry for yourself when you're at your lowest, but by reading these words I was able to rise a bit above my feelings and ask the Lord to bolster my faith and help me see his purposes--even in convalescence. 

5. Her Mother's Hope by Francine Rivers.

    *Favorite fiction of the year.  I absolutely LOVE these books! Her Mother's Hope is the first part of this saga, while Her Daughter's Dream is the second installment. This was my second time reading this fabulous fiction saga by Francine Rivers, and it does not disappoint. It chronicles the lives of four generations and mother/daughter relationships. From the 1900s to the 1990s and beyond. Marta, Hildie (part 1), Carolyn and May Flower Dawn (part 2) are all such rich and intricate characters. It was easy to get caught up in the story. I found that I could relate her flawed characters to many of the women in my family as well. And it makes you wonder how much culture and society plays a part in the generational divide. Definitely recommend!

6. Her Daughter's Dream by Francine Rivers.

7. Growing in Holiness by R.C. Sproul.

8. Becoming Free Indeed by Jinger Vuolo.

9. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy.

    *Favorite audio book of the year! A classic that I'm quite sure I wouldn't have been able to get through in print. But I listened while I re-painted my laundry room a lovely pool blue and mostly enjoyed the story.

10. The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson.

11. Never Give Up by Tom Brokaw.

12. Everyone's a Theologian by R.C. Sproul.

    *We read this with our Young Adult Sunday School class and finally finished it in 2024. A succinct book of systematic theology on a level the lay reader can understand. As R.C. Sproul puts it, "...Any time we think about a teaching of the Bible and strive to understand it, we are engaging in theology. Therefore, it is important that we put the Bible’s varied teachings together in a systematic fashion using proper, time-tested methods of interpretation so as to arrive at a theology that is consistent and founded on truth."

13. When We Had Wings by Susan Meissner & others.

14. Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance.

*The most interesting modern day biography/memoir I read was that of now Vice President, J.D. Vance. I read it before he was even chosen to run as VP, but enjoyed it nonetheless. Fascinating and very relatable. It's hard not to have respect for someone who worked their way up and out of the crushing cycle of poverty and achieved upward mobility.

15. Home by Julie Andrews -- a memoir of her early years. 

16. The Daughter of Auschwitz by Tova Friedman with Malcolm Brabant.

17. Gifted Hands by Ben Carson.

18. The Women, Homefront, Magic Hour and Summer Island by Kristin Hannah.

*I've been on a Kristin Hannah kick the last couple of years ever since I read the Nightingale which was excellent. None of hers have really disappointed thus far except that the themes are a bit intense and her earlier books use quite a bit of discretionary language. Also, she often spends a looooong time in the midst of the conflict and takes a while to get to the resolution, and then you don't get to enjoy it for very long. It's almost as though she likes hanging out in the hard and not letting the reader enjoy the happy ending so to speak... it's just her style. The year before I read The Great Alone and The Four Winds. Great character development. 

19. The Shell Seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher.

20. The Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman.

*My three favorite READ ALOUDs with the girls for the year were The Trumpet of the Swan by E.B. White, Little Town on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder, and The Wild Robot by Peter Brown. 

Lily's Picks (gr. 4/5):

1. A Night Divided by Jennifer Nielsen.

2. My Secret War by Mary Pope Osborne.

3. The Vanderbeekers Ever After by Karina Yan Glaser.

4. The Vanderbeekers and the Secret Garden by Karina Yan Glaser.

5. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.

Emma's Picks (gr. 2/3): 

1. Babysitter's Club #2, Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls by Ann M. Martin

2. Fave Series: Nancy Drew and the Clue Crew by Caroline Keen.

Cary's Picks (gr. K/1)

1. Fave Series: Mercy Watson by Kate DiCamillo

May 2023

Our lives have been on a wild ride these past few months, but this month in particular has been extra crazy! Our pool is in the process of getting redone, so it's out of order for now.

We're hoping it will be done this summer so the girls can make use of it. 

Here's a shot of the back yard before the pool is complete.

Emma lost another tooth. Both she and Kellan have no front teeth!

We celebrated Caroline's birthday at the beach.

Mommy taught a lesson on Justification, Sanctification and Glorification to the Trailblazers. The girls helped model the shirt I used as an object lesson for being "clothed in Christ's righteousness."

They spent a few final nights in this bedroom before we packed it all up to demo.

Our bedroom before the demo.

The playroom before demo.

I slowly finished taping and painting the garage while listening to an audiobook by James Patterson and Dolly Parton called Run, Rose, Run.

We visited some friends in Makaha. (Mary Lou, Hannah and Rachel)

The kids loved looking for crabs on the reef.

Their final nights in their former room before demo.

We had a field trip to the McCully fire station (29) thanks to Keoki Liftee-Kau. 

Morning Tea Time

Some craft time.

And demo day!

Drywall and flooring. Thankfully, we had a lot of help that day!

Jaydee helping rip the Master Bedroom apart!

Jason and Mike ripping down the girls' room ceiling.

Noah, dad to be, getting his demo on :)

Jaydee and Jairson kicking in some drywall.

Grace and Lily helping load the dumpster!

Esther helping out!

View from the pool side of the house.

Lily got invited to Zoe's bday. Friends (Jordan & Zoe) 

from Mauka Lani she hadn't seen in a while!

The Bailey's came late in the day and Johnathan 

helped pack the dumpster perfectly!

Mother's Day at Yoks with the Baileys.

Lily & Zoe

Hitting the gym.

The view from the master all tidied up!

$0.99 Cones at Baskin Robbins!

Some final sweeping.

A little stunt work.

Sweet baby Nakoa, born May 11th, 2023.

He's just a sweet nugget.

They all wanted to hold him forever!

Even Cary!

Mike leveling one last piece of plywood that wasn't smooth enough at the joint.

Adventure Club Carnival

Pie in the face!

Rodeffer sleepover/campout in our downstairs studio ;)

Tiff's Bloom Brunch 2023

Love these ladies!

Mike's big job of leveling all the trusses. Whew, glad that's done.

Judd Trail hike with homeschool church friends.

The HTA graduates of 2023!

Carter looks like her body guard, haha!

Our new set up downstairs until the upstairs is complete.

Emily's Shower. What a sweet time of celebrating baby Wesley!

Lily's friend Jordan's bday at iTrampoline!

Cary had her pre-K graduation!

Ms. Tina, Cary and Ms. Lynelle

The Bear Cubs class

Leia and Cary

After Cary's preschool graduation, we played at Pineapple Park for a bit with the Rodeffers

And lastly, we headed to Waikiki for a mini staycation while our house got tented for termites :)

It was an amazing month and we are really looking forward to an amazing summer of living together in tight quarters downstairs.